Hunter S. Thompson, curator and world class holder of the title, "Gonzo Journalism," is the author of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," and other greatly demented work.
When war drums roll
By Hunter S. Thompson
Page 2 columnist (ESPN)
Johnny Depp called me from France on Sunday night and asked what I
knew about Osama bin Laden.
"Nothing," I said. "Nothing at all. He is a ghost, for all I know.
Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm terrified of him," he said. "All of France is terrified.
... I freaked out and rushed to the airport, but when I got there my
flight was canceled. All flights to the U.S. were canceled. People
went crazy with fear."
"Join the club," I told him, "Almost everybody went crazy over here."
"Never mind that," he said. "Who won the Jets-Colts game?"
"There was no game," I said. "All sports were canceled in this
country -- even 'Monday Night Football.' "
"No!" he said, "That's impossible! I've never known a Monday night
without a game on TV. What is the stock market doing?"
"Nothing yet," I said, "It's been closed for six days."
"Ye gods," he muttered. "No stock market, no football -- this is Serious."
Just then I heard the lock on my gas tank rattling, so I rushed
outside with a shotgun and fired both barrels into the darkness.
Poachers! I thought. Blow their heads off! This is War! So I fired
another blast in the general direction of the gas pump, then I went
inside to reload.
"Why are you shooting?" my assistant Anita screamed at me. "What are
you shooting at?"
"The enemy," I said gruffly. "He is down there stealing our gasoline."
"Nonsense," she said. "That tank has been empty since June. You
probably killed a peacock."
At dawn I went down to the tank and found the gas hose shredded by
birdshot and two peacocks dead.
So what? I thought. What is more important right now -- my precious
gasoline or the lives of some silly birds?
Indeed, but the New York Stock Exchange opened Monday morning, so I
have to get a grip on something solid. The Other Shoe is about to
drop, and it might be extremely heavy. The time has come to be
strong. The fat is in the fire. Who knows what will happen now?
Not me, buster. That's why I live out here in the mountains with a
flag on my porch and loud Wagner music blaring out of my speakers. I
feel lucky, and I have plenty of ammunition. That is God's will, they
say, and that is also why I shoot into the darkness at anything that
moves. Sooner or later, I will hit something Evil, and feel no Guilt.
It might be Osama Bin Laden. Who knows? And where is Adolf Hitler,
now that we finally need him? It is bad business to go into War
without a target.
In times like these, when the War-drums roll and the bugles howl for
blood, I think of Vince Lombardi, and I wonder how he would handle
it. ... Good old Vince. He was a zealot for Victory at all costs, and
his hunger for it was pure -- or that's what he said and what his
legend tells us, but it is worth noting that he is not even in the
top 20 in career victories.
We are At War now, according to President Bush, and I take him at his
word. He also says this War might last for "a very long time."
Generals and military scholars will tell you that eight or 10 years
is actually not such a long time in the span of human history --
which is no doubt true -- but history also tells us that 10 years of
martial law and a war-time economy are going to feel like a Lifetime
to people who are in their twenties today. The poor bastards of what
will forever be known as Generation Z are doomed to be the first
generation of Americans who will grow up with a lower standard of
living than their parents enjoyed.
That is extremely heavy news, and it will take a while for it to sink
in. The 22 babies born in New York City while the World Trade Center
burned will never know what they missed. The last half of the 20th
century will seem like a wild party for rich kids, compared to what's
coming now. The party's over, folks. The time has come for loyal
Americans to Sacrifice. ... Sacrifice. ... Sacrifice. That is the new
buzz-word in Washington. But what it means is not entirely clear.
Winston Churchill said "The first casualty of War is always Truth."
Churchill also said "In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it
should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of Lies."
That wisdom will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The
first news they get in this world will be News subjected to Military
Censorship. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns
of deliberately-planted "Dis-information." That is routine behavior
in Wartime -- for all countries and all combatants -- and it makes
life difficult for people who value real news. Count on it. That is
what Churchill meant when he talked about Truth being the first
casualty of War.
In this case, however, the next casualty was Football. All games were
canceled last week. And that has Never happened to the NFL. Never.
That gives us a hint about the Magnitude of this War. Terrorists
don't wear uniforms, and they play by inscrutable rules -- The Rules
of World War III, which has already begun.
So get ready for it, folks. Buckle up and watch your backs at all
times. That is why they call it "Terrorism."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's books include Hell's Angels, Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72,
The Proud Highway, Better Than Sex and The Rum Diary. His new book,
Fear and Loathing in America, has just been released. A regular
contributor to various national and international publications,
Thompson now lives in a fortified compound near Aspen, Colo. His
column, "Hey, Rube," appears each Monday on Page 2.
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